28 Days: One sad attempt at legitimacy.

The movie, 28 Days, is quiet simply, the biggest waste of my money in recent memory. I'll admit it now: I was stupid to go out on a limb and risk $7.50 for something that looked appealing. I knew better, but I did it anyway. Oh, how I paid terribly for my mistake with 2 hours of the most excruciating torture I've ever experienced at a movie theater.

28 Days starts out with some dumbshit environmentalists breaking into a chimp research lab. Immediately, I knew this was going to be a retarded movie. The only good movie to ever feature environmentalists was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and this was certainly not a Jay and Silent Bob flick. The dipshit environmentalists unleash this angry chimp and pay for their stupidity with the chimp biting the idiots Mike Tyson style. The scientist is all like, "He's infected with rage!!" and then he gets attacked too.

Then the screen goes blank and displays in simple text, "28 days later."

Who the fuck in their right mind would name a movie after a plot hole?! The next scene opens with the full view of a skinny guy's nuts. I moaned, realizing I had paid $7.50 to see hairy balls, and this only the first 5 minutes of the movie. The next 20 minutes were just as bad. The guy walks around screaming, "Hello!" at no one in particular. There was at least 20 minutes of this, because I fell asleep and woke up to find the retard still screaming "Hello!" Still, at no one in particular.

Finally, the moron (we find out his name is Jimmy) meets two other morons. They do more of nothing, get attacked by zombies (unlike normal zombies, these zombies can run), and then do some more nothing. By this time, I was checking my watch every few minutes. Eventually, Jimmy and this black chick (this movie is so bad, it made a black person uncool) wank it with some fat dude and his daughter. They drive to "salvation," or safe-zone, where the fat dude gets killed (like we couldn't guess that one). The place is run by some army guys, and Jimmy finds out all the army guys want to do is fuck the black chick and the fat dude's daughter. "Women are the essence to rebuilding civilization," the army guy says, as if his statement had some deep and profound philosophical meaning. Jimmy goes and saves two bitches. Don't ask me how he does it, because the movie does show either. Just that somehow all the army guys (who have guns) get wanked by the zombies and Jimmy (who runs around without a shirt) gets out without a scratch.

Then the screen goes blank and displays in simple text, "28 days later."

Now, the trio has suddenly escaped all the zombies and are living in a modest country cottage. Again, we don't know how. They just do. A jet flies overhead and its presumed they're saved. The end.

What's the point of all this bullshit? That the fight for survival removes all innocence? That no matter how many zombies rampage the countryside, the evil in people never subsides? No. The only point this sorry excuse for a movie demonstrates is that something called "plot" and "cohersion" is required before any movie obtains any sense of meaning. When you have effect without plot, then the movie is no different than porn. And at least porn gives you a boner. This movie is more like benedryl: puts you to sleep whether you like it or not. Whoever made this retarded movie should just choke on Jimmy's hairy balls and die.

I give this movie negative two stars (that's like two black holes).